Still here and saying Prayers

This I got from another blogger but it describes my prayer down to the very last sentence..........

My Prayer

Dear God,

Please help me to get through this difficult time in my life.  I want to be a Mom more than anything.  I have been having a difficult struggle over the years and I need to heal.  Please soften my pain.  The pain comes when I wake up in the morning and my head races thinking that I will never be a Mom.  The pain comes when L and I will never get to look at our child thinking how much they look like us or when I think that I am keeping L from having a biological child.  The pain comes when I learn of a new pregnancy.  The pain comes when I feel left out of conversations or left out of events because we have no children.  The pain comes when I have to answer the question, “so, do you have children?”  The pain comes when I see commercials on TV.  The pain comes when I feel that the only reason I can work in my yard is because I don’t have children.  I can go on and on about the instances of when pain is felt.  Sometimes I wake up with daggers in the heart and I feel hopeless and weak and self-pitying.  Please soften my pain.  Please continue to open my heart to other options for family building.  I know that I am capable of loving in a very deep sense.  Please help me to become more and more aware that my life has meaning and that this too shall pass.  Thank you for giving me such a great support system in my husband, my Mom, my brother, my Dad who is deceased, my aunts and uncles, in-laws, friends, etc.   Please help me make decisions following my heart but with my head there to tell me what is achievable.    Please help me to let go and accept that life is not perfect or as we had always planned.   I know that there will be a time when I look back on this part of my life and it won’t hurt as much.  Please help that time to come sooner than later.  Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.   

Amen.

Hope and No Hope

Just got back from a weekend in Florida and it was just what we needed, quick getaway from everything. The weather was wonderful.

Monday was back to reality when we had our phone consult with Dr. Saleh from SIRM Dallas.  He basically said because of my partial hysterectomy, my ovary function has decreased so therefore I am producing eggs as a 42 yr old and he gives me only 30% of success.:(  I was devastated once again.   My local RE has said as a result of never having any frozen embryos for someone my age and the embryo quality was due to my decreased ovarian function (blood flow).  Dr. Saleh would do the estrogen priming protocol for me and he has suggested doing acupuncture and pycogenyol (pine bark) for 2 months to let my ovaries rest.   

Before we left to Fla, we had a phone consult with Dr. Sher SIRM Vegas. He seemed very knowledgeable about different protocols.  I even asked him about how my decreased ovary function resulting in bad embryos and bad eggs. He said that was bogus and he did not believe that was the case.  He would use the agonist/antagonist protocol on me and use luveris instead of menopur. He writes a blog and seems to be on the search for different protocols and different combination of medications. He restored some of my hope until Monday came around. Sigh.

I don't know what to think anymore. I have two more phone consults, next week with Dr. School and then a week after with Dr. Sargutso ( Shady Grove).  I hope they have better news for me but I doubt it.  I need to accept the fact that my chances of having a baby are slim to none. 

And then after all that, I hear that Chris Daughtery and his wife, 37 who had a partial hysterectomy in 2006 are having twins through a surrogate.  What clinic did they go to? Who was their RE? Did they use donor eggs? I want to be on her protocol!! And on top of that after 6 IVF cycles, Celine at 42 is pregnant with twins. So I guess there is a little glimpse of hope??????????

hates ignorant people!

So my parents know about IVF #1 and just yesterday she said she heard from her cousin that a couple they know went through IVF and after that had a child with disability and lost all their money and assets.  My parents are strict and old fashioned as well as her cousin. The cousin believes that you should not mess with mother nature and since the couple who did IVF did, that was the result. I told my parents, even people who get pregnant the normal way have children with disabilities. I was so pissed. I did not ask for the cousin's opinion or his views on IVF.  He has not been in our shoes so he doesn't know.  I explained to my parents there are tons of couples that have infertility issues and go through IVF and have success pregnancies. Ughhh so pissed!  IVF is not easy and it takes a toll on your emotionally and now I have to deal with this too.  Its so sad that I can't have my parents be supportive now that my cousin has poisoned their minds. I couldn't even tell them about IVF #2. 

At A's birthday party, there were babies everywhere. It made me extremely sad but I kept a happy face and stayed away from the mother's and their kids. Thanks goodness I do not know most of them so I did not have to talk to them. It never gets easy does it?

Today, we have our consult with Dr. Sher, still waiting for him to call. I hope he gives us some positive news, I really need something positive right now!! 

trying to keep busy

We should be on a beach far away relaxing and celebrating our 9 year anniversary but with our second failed cycle - we are not in the right mind set to go. I've been calling around setting up consultations with different clinics to get a second opinion. I am interested to hear what other REs have to say.  Our appt with Dr. Schoolcraft won't be until July 8 - which seems like an eternity.

Work sucks as always. My new boss wants me to take the lead on a new project and I am really not up for it but what can I say, no? Of course not. So I'll be double stressed dealing with him and a new project and picking our next clinic for IVF 3. FML!

My husband's youngest sister is celebrating her son's 1st  bday this Sunday. I am not in the mood to go but I have to put on a happy face and go. There will be many babies there and most probably other preggo girls.  I absolutely hate going to these functions since all the girls talk about is pregnancies and babies.  I know I will be making small talk and no long conversations for sure.  It just hurts too much even though I've been through this before. I am hoping we don't have to stay long.

Crappy eggs

Yesterday was our 9th year anniversary. It was sweet but also sad. My DH is so loving, caring and understanding. It breaks my heart that he is not a father.  If he wasn't  who he was, I don't know if I would be able to get through this emotional roller coaster I have been on.

We met with our local RE today for our post op. We wanted to hear what he had to say. To sum it up, I have crappy eggs. Since we did 2 IVFs, two diff protocols, we still have the same outcome.  About 4 embryos on Day 5, never any to freeze.  With the long lupron, I had many 17 follicles but only 8 eggs retrieved, most of the follicles were empty. His theory is because I do not have a uterus, the blood flow to the ovaries are not "normal".  Usually you would have your regualr blood flow to the ovaries from your body and also you have blood flow from your uterus to your ovaries too.  Well since I do not have a uterus and missing that blood flow, my egg quality is not as good as a 34 yr old would be. He said I will be able to get pregnant with my eggs, but it will take some tweaking of course. His approach for IVF 3, would be back to the antagonist protocol which promotes quality over quantity eggs and also add miro dose hcg to help with my LH level which should be 1-2 when stimming. My LH levels were kinda off during the antagon protocal the first time around so he wants to add that to help the LH to assist with egg quality.

What to do? What to do? I need a second opinion now.

July 8

Wow we called to schedule a phone consult and the first 30 minutes is free with Dr. Schoolcraft on July 8. Uggh. I can't believe just to do a consult I have to wait that long. What am I going to do for a month and a half?  I'm just so anxious to start already. We have our post op with our RE on Thursday to discuss our BFN.  I just know he will not have the answers at all. He will blame it on the protocol and suggest another protocol. I didn't even get a call from him after our BFN.  I guess we are just a number trying to get pregnant. My nurse coordinator did call the next day since she was out the office to say sorry about the news. She did sound like she cared but the other nurses are horrible. Waiting is really stressing me out. On top of that I have a new boss at work and I am unable to concentrate with everything that is going on.

When will it get any easier?

It's so hard waking up and getting through my day without thinking about, if we will ever have a baby. Everywhere you go and look someone is pregnant or toting around young kids. You know that saying, that is so hurtful to hear, but you know people think it at times - "Maybe God doesn't want you to have any children,  maybe its a sign." I so not believe it but it's been coming up in my mind lately. I know I shouldn't even think and think positive and have faith. I pray that God will get us through...

CCRM called us back and said the consult, since I'm the patient will not be covered since I maxed out my 5000 infertility max life time benefit and anything that is charged from their office will not be covered.  My husband has 5000 unused.  What if he's the patient, will the consult be covered? When I go for a consult at my local office, I pay the 35 co pay to see an RE (specialist). Why isn't this the same? My husband will try and schedule under his name, so that he's the patient not sure if that will work but I guess its a try.